You aren’t alone…
So how do you know if you’ve been abused in church?
What does abuse look like in the church?
And what can you do to start healing?
On this page we have broken down the many types of abuse seen in churches and how they can look specifically in the church.
How It Feels for Victims
Constantly questioning their worth or salvation.
Feeling unable to make decisions without leader approval.
Fearful of leaving the church or speaking out.
Experiencing anxiety, shame, or spiritual confusion.
Feeling like God is harsh, angry, or impossible to please—because of the way He was represented.
Examples in Practice
A pastor telling someone they’ll be cursed if they leave the church.
Leadership silencing victims of misconduct with “forgive and forget” rhetoric.
A small group leader using “accountability” to control private aspects of someone’s life.
A church teaching that only their pastor’s interpretation of scripture is valid.
Parents or leaders using the Bible to justify physical punishment or neglect.
At its core, spiritual abuse distorts God’s character and replaces grace, love, and freedom with control, fear, and shame.
What is Spiritual Abuse?
Spiritual abuse is a form of abuse where someone uses faith, scripture, God, or spiritual authority to control, manipulate, or harm others. It often happens in churches or religious settings when leaders, members, or systems misuse spiritual power for their own gain, rather than to serve and uplift others.
What can Spiritual abuse look like in the church?
Here’s what it can look like in the church:
Characteristics of Spiritual Abuse
Misuse of Authority: Leaders demand unquestioning obedience, claiming they “speak for God” or that disobedience to them is disobedience to God.
Fear and Guilt Tactics: Using shame, fear of hell, or threats of divine punishment to control people.
Suppression of Questions: Discouraging doubts or hard questions, framing them as rebellion, lack of faith, or sin.
Elitism and Exclusivity: Teaching that their church or leader is the “only true way” to God, isolating members from other communities or beliefs.
Exploitation: Pressuring members to give excessive amounts of money, time, or service, often to the detriment of their personal health or family.
Silencing Victims: Covering up misconduct (like sexual or financial abuse) by urging silence in order to “protect the church’s reputation” or “not cause division.”
Twisting Scripture: Quoting Bible verses out of context to justify controlling behavior, gender roles, or suppression of dissent.
Identity Control: Pressuring members to conform in dress, relationships, or life decisions under the guise of “God’s will.”
How It Feels for Victims
Walking on eggshells, never knowing what will set the abuser off.
Feeling worthless, unloved, or “not good enough.”
Doubting their own memory, judgment, or sanity.
Fear of expressing needs, emotions, or opinions.
Anxiety, depression, or chronic self-doubt.
Feeling “stuck” because leaving feels impossible or dangerous.
Examples in Practice
A spouse mocking their partner’s appearance or intelligence.
A parent saying “you’re useless, just like your father/mother” repeatedly.
A friend constantly threatening to leave the relationship unless you comply.
A leader saying, “No one else would ever love or accept you like we do.”
A partner accusing you of being “crazy” whenever you raise a concern.
At its core, emotional abuse attacks a person’s sense of identity, safety, and dignity. Unlike healthy conflict, where issues are addressed without attacking worth, emotional abuse uses words and silence as weapons to control and diminish.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse is a pattern of non-physical behavior, such as criticism, manipulation, humiliation, control, or neglect, that is used to dominate, diminish, or isolate another person. It undermines their self-worth, creates fear, and damages their emotional and psychological well-being.
Unlike disagreements or occasional hurtful words, emotional abuse is ongoing, intentional, and used as a tool of power and control.
What can Emotional abuse look like in the church?
Characteristics of Emotional Abuse
Constant Criticism or Belittling: Regularly putting someone down, mocking them, or making them feel “less than.”
Gaslighting: Denying events, twisting the truth, or making someone doubt their memory, feelings, or sanity.
Control: Dictating what someone wears, who they talk to, how they spend their time, or even how they think.
Isolation: Cutting someone off from friends, family, or support systems.
Withholding Affection: Using love, approval, or attention as a bargaining chip (“I’ll only love you if…”).
Silent Treatment: Ignoring someone as punishment, refusing to engage in communication.
Humiliation: Shaming in private or public settings.
Unrealistic Expectations: Demanding perfection, setting someone up to fail, or shifting standards so the target can never “win.”
Blame Shifting: Always making the victim responsible for problems, even when it’s not their fault.
How It Feels for Victims
Confused about what’s real or true.
Dependent on the abuser for validation, decision-making, or permission.
Afraid to trust their own thoughts or instincts.
Isolated and cut off from supportive relationships.
Feeling trapped, powerless, or like escape would bring punishment.
Experiencing anxiety, depression, PTSD-like symptoms, or dissociation.
Examples in Practice
A leader constantly insisting “that never happened” until the victim doubts their memory.
A leader monitoring members’ messages, finances, or private lives to control them.
A parent repeatedly telling a child they are “crazy” or “imagining things” when they express concerns.
An abuser threatening to harm themselves or expose secrets if the victim leaves.
Someone rewriting events to make the victim appear at fault every time.
Key Distinction from Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse primarily attacks feelings and self-worth (e.g., insults, humiliation, guilt).
Psychological abuse primarily attacks thoughts, perception, and autonomy (e.g., gaslighting, control, isolation).
They often overlap, but psychological abuse is usually more covert, strategic, and disorienting, designed to make the victim question their entire reality.
What is Psychological Abuse?
Psychological abuse is a pattern of deliberate behaviors that use manipulation, intimidation, isolation, and control to erode a person’s sense of reality, independence, and self-worth. It targets the mind and perception, often leaving the victim confused, powerless, and unable to trust themselves.
What can psychological abuse look like in the church?
Characteristics of Psychological Abuse
Gaslighting (Extreme Form): Repeatedly making someone doubt their memory, perceptions, or sanity.
Mind Games: Changing stories, shifting blame, or setting traps to confuse the victim.
Control of Information: Withholding important details, lying, or manipulating facts to control decisions.
Isolation: Cutting someone off from family, friends, or outside perspectives so they rely solely on the abuser.
Threats and Intimidation: Suggesting harm, abandonment, or exposure to keep control.
Erosion of Identity: Undermining someone’s confidence in their thoughts, abilities, or decisions.
Creating Dependency: Making the victim believe they can’t survive, succeed, or function without the abuser.
Invasion of Privacy: Monitoring communications, tracking movements, or controlling personal access to money and resources.
How It Feels for Victims
Deep confusion: “Was this love, attention, or abuse?”
Guilt and shame, believing they somehow caused it.
Fear of not being believed, especially if the abuser is respected.
Feeling spiritually broken, abandoned by God, or unable to pray.
Distrust of church, leaders, or any authority figures.
Trauma symptoms: depression, anxiety, PTSD, or disassociation.
Examples in Practice
A pastor convincing a congregant that a sexual relationship is “God’s will” or “part of healing.”
A youth leader grooming a teenager with gifts, attention, and secret communication, then escalating to sexual contact.
A church staff member coercing sexual favors in exchange for ministry opportunities or support.
Leadership telling a victim to forgive, stay quiet, or “not ruin the reputation of the church.”
A clergy member exposing themselves, making sexual comments, or using counseling sessions as a cover for abuse.
What is Sexual Abuse?
Sexual abuse in the church is any sexual act, contact, or exploitation that occurs without consent, often involving manipulation, coercion, or the abuse of spiritual authority. It includes both physical acts and non-physical exploitation (like inappropriate sexual conversations or exposure).
When committed by church leaders, volunteers, or members, it is especially damaging because it betrays sacred trust and distorts God’s name to cover sin.
What can sexual abuse look like in the church?
Characteristics of Sexual Abuse in the Church
Abuse of Authority: A pastor, leader, or mentor using their role to pressure or coerce sexual acts.
Grooming: Building trust through attention, gifts, mentorship, or “special treatment” to make the victim more compliant.
Secrecy and Shame: Telling victims to “keep it between us” or that “God would be angry” if they speak out.
Spiritual Manipulation: Using scripture, prayer, or claims of divine approval to justify or excuse abusive acts.
Victim-Blaming: Suggesting the victim was “tempting,” “too affectionate,” or at fault for the abuse.
Cover-Ups: Leaders or churches silencing victims to “protect the ministry” or avoid scandal.
Exploitation of Vulnerability: Targeting those who are young, new to faith, in crisis, or seeking counsel.
Legal Protections in the U.S.
Laws vary by state, but many have recognized that adult clergy sexual abuse is not simply an “affair” — it is abuse of authority. Some legal frameworks include:
Clergy Sexual Exploitation Laws: Several states (e.g., Minnesota, Texas, and others) have statutes making it illegal for clergy to engage in sexual conduct with someone they are counseling or providing pastoral care to.
Professional Misconduct Laws: Some states categorize clergy like therapists, prohibiting sexual contact during or after counseling relationships.
Civil Remedies: Survivors can often sue churches or denominations for negligence if leaders knew about abuse and failed to act.
Mandatory Reporting: Many states require clergy to report suspected abuse (though some have “clergy-penitent privilege” exceptions).
Consent & Power Dynamics: Even when an adult “agrees,” some states recognize that consent is compromised when a clergy member exploits spiritual authority, making it legally classified as abuse.
What is Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse?
Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse (ACSA) happens when a pastor, priest, or other religious leader engages in sexual contact or conduct with an adult congregant where there is an imbalance of power, trust, or authority. Even though the person is an adult, it is not considered a truly consensual relationship because clergy hold spiritual authority, influence, and often confidential access (through counseling, prayer, or mentorship).
What makes it abuse in the church? (even with adults)
Power Imbalance: Clergy are seen as spiritual authorities who speak for God, which can make adults vulnerable to manipulation or coercion.
Exploitation of Trust: Adults often seek clergy during times of grief, trauma, or vulnerability; using that trust for sexual purposes is exploitative.
Spiritual Manipulation: Abusers may use scripture, prayer, or claims of God’s will to pressure adults into sexual acts.