Story 01
“I don’t know if the next senior pastor will tolerate you like we have, you might need to start looking for another pastoral position” I was sitting in my youth pastors living room one night when I heard these words. What I began to realize, was that they may have “tolerated” me but I had also tolerate the abuse far too long. That’s when the lights came on and the fog began to truly lift.
I started serving in the Assemblies of God when I was 16. I visited a youth ministry where both the husband and wife spoke. I was in awe because I felt called into ministry and every other youth group I had gone to told me women couldn’t pastor. This was different and I threw myself in full force! I ended up serving these leaders for 12 years. I had their back. I was loyal. When people spoke against them I defended them. When people gossiped about them I brought it to light. I wasn’t just spiritually loyal with my leadership, I was also loyal with my work. I worked more hours than I would like to admit volunteering to do what I was also hired to do. In some twisted way the people who have had the greatest impact and influence on me as a person, the people who invested the most in me, believed in me, poured into me, also probably hurt me the most and took advantage of my loyalty.
I am who I am because of them. I am the leader and communicator I am because of them. They poured an immense amount of knowledge, skill, and leadership into me. And I was loyal to them for that. It’s natural be blindly loyal to the people who consistently changed your life for over a decade, right?
But that loyalty came at a great cost. I went through years of sufferingly silently wondering is this what ministry is like? Will every pastor I serve be like this? Is this really how I’m supposed to handle a students moral failure? Is this how I’m supposed to lead people? Is this how I’m supposed to be treated? Are my pastors really supposed to have control in my personal life, work life, ministry life, and my spiritual life? Is it really ok to speak to me this way? Does anyone else see whats happening to me? I wonder what others think about the way i’m treated? Or am I not working hard enough? Am I not mentoring well enough? I’m supposed to bear their armor even when it’s hard….right? Well then I need to work harder, babysit their kids more, serve more, bless them more. If I do that, maybe i’ll be good enough. Come in earlier, stay later, work faster…I can do this right?
I felt so trapped in my time both serving and working here. I didn’t know who to speak up to. There were days I’d walk halfway to my senior pastors office to make a meeting with him and share everything I had experienced and then I’d scare myself from doing because would he believe me? What would the price of betrayal in their eyes be? Was this being disloyal? I on many occasions would hint at what was happening behind closed doors to other pastors on staff, but I was always afraid to actually speak up. To actually share everything.
While it is still hard to pen what happened in a way people will understand, what I do have is my stories….
When I was the youth administrator for them I clearly remember writing on my time card that I was off at 4:30, and staying until 11:00pm in the printing suite preparing packets for winter camp. Our senior pastor actually caught me that night in the print suite as it was a board meeting night, and as he walked past me he questioned me if I was working or volunteering, I smiled and said “oh most definitely volunteering Sir.” I did things like this consistently. And while I’m pretty sure they never verbally asked me to work off the clock, I felt it was expected. I wanted to make them proud, I wanted to take the weight off their ministry.
The night I heard those words I shared at the beginning of my story, “I don’t know if the next senior pastor will tolerate you like us” was in reference to the fact that we were looking for a new senior pastor because our’s had just transitioned into a new role. My pastor was telling me that I should probably look for a new church job because the next senior pastor might not “tolerate” me like she had. 12 years of loyalty and I was “tolerated.” I apporached another pastor on staff, as well as the HR person at the time to decide how to move forward. Both parties encouraged me to bring this to the pastor who said it, to let her know she hurt me. When I did it was turned around me as me being insecure….you know the “Honey people in ministry aren’t always going to be soft like me with you, you’ll need to have thicker skin.”
There was another time I had confronted her on something she said that had hurt my feelings and deeply offended me, and I was told “It sounds like this is an insecurity in you we need to address.” It was clear I could never bring my frustration or truth to her, so I didn’t. I hardly ever questioned her and went along with whatever was presented to me because I knew what would happen if I questioned it.
I never felt good enough, I was under the impression I was always coming up short.
And I haven’t even talked about our boot camps.
To get accepted into our internships you had to get through boot camp.
There were rules though, you don’t talk about boot camp. We were sworn to secrecy from sharing with absolutely anyone (parents, friends, other church members or pastors) about what happened at boot camp.
Boot Camp was something every intern had to go through before the beginning of each year. I had heard about this trip for many years from my friends who had been through it, but I never encountered it. Boot camp was made out to be a special weekend that only the best of the best could experience. Making it through the weekend gave you a sense of accomplishment and pride that you were extraordinary and special. We’d have a bootcamp meeting a few days before. A list of items to bring to bootcamp was given to us along with the rules for the weekend. One of those rules was to only bring 11 items total per person, this included hygiene. When getting ready the morning of I put my hair in a bun and pinned back my bangs with a bobby pin or two knowing that the weekend would include a lot of heavy workouts and I didn’t want my hair in my face. Upon entering the gym at 3:00am we were lined up military style and told to not speak unless spoken to. Our bags were then dumped out on the floor in front of us and our items counted. Then they’d walk around us each investigating if our clothes and items met the requirements given to us. My male pastor counted the bobby pins in my hair and called out that I had cheated the rules, our entire class then had to run 10 suicides in the gym. Every time they found a mistake in us following the rules we had to do that. Before we left every single one of us had thrown up from the intensity of the work out. We were then blindfolded, put into vehicles and told to remain silent but not fall asleep or we’d be punished. We stopped halfway to the location and were brought to a field for an intense workout, then back in the cars, blindfolded, and taken to the final location. A church in the mountains although none of us had any idea where we were. When we arrived we ran about 3 miles. I had a panic attack that I couldn’t have survived without one of my dear friends. He stayed in the back with me and prayed as he ran beside me. This type of activity continued all night long. All with no speaking unless being spoken to. We’d have to hold tiles out in front of us till our arms burned. One year we ran while carrying a massive log together up a very steep hill.
One of the most traumatic event for me that weekend was the mouse traps. I was brought into a room blindfolded with my roommate. She was not blindfolded. There was maybe 5 different versions of heavy rock and metal music blasting and they gave my roommate directions to guide me through the maze of mouse traps without touching me, to only use her words. It was to illustrate communication skills and listening skills. I began to have a full blown anxiety attack. My roommate asked to pray over me and they told her to just get me through the maze, my roommate tried her best to calm me down and prayed over the music as loud as she could.
On the last day my first year we were brought out to a field. There was a tug of war set up. They’d put three students against one. And ask the one who are you fighting for? Who do you want to see come to know Jesus in your life. I stated it was my cousin Leanne. We then began the tug of war. A few of them, one including a male student who loved to work out, against me. And as I lost over and over they would scream and yell at me if my cousin was worth it, how far could I push myself for her, he’d yell “pull harder….she’s going to hell and her life depends on you” ……Of course I lost. I wasn’t just 5 foot 120lbs, but I was also not physically fit. Of course I’d loose. And what did they do when I lost, told me they’d seen other interns do it before and they was disappointed I gave up. This is the exact thought I took with me into my years in ministry. Other peoples lives were dependent on me serving past my comfort. Staying late, working harder, having high attendance numbers, babysitting their kids, coming in early, that’s what meant I was doing good enough.
All of these things have led to:
Cognitive distortion, After prolonged emotional or psychological abuse, your brain can develop distorted thinking patterns
Impaired critical thinking, losing confidence in your ability to judge situations clearly
Dissociation, You may disconnect from your surroundings or feel like you’re watching your life happen from outside your body.
Depression, Feeling trapped, helpless, or like something is “wrong with you” becomes a constant undercurrent.
Anxiety, You’re always on edge, anticipating being blamed, corrected, or invalidate
Gerd, When you’re stuck in a fight-or-flight state (common with trauma), your body tenses chronically, including your diaphragm and abdominal wall. I was diagnosed with GERD during my time in the AG, once I gave my ordination up my “gerd attacks” have gone down to maybe once every two years.
C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)
Spiritual trauma causing anxiety attacks around spiritual disciples like worship or reading the Bible
Emotional flashbacks, sudden waves of fear, shame, or confusion that tie back to your religious experience
Sleep disturbances, nightmares, insomnia, or religious-themed dreams
Struggle to set boundaries
Panic attacks when mistakes or failures happen
I hope that my story can be a small part of brining big change to the Assemblies of God or any denomination or organization that condones leadership styles such as this.
Just because it was common in the 90’s and early 2000’s doesn’t make it right.
I’m thankful for the strong foundation in Christ my parents built because it protected me from walking away from God during all this. He is the only thing that got me through!
